i'm such a whiner, i really am; things are going to be just fine.

(the mood swings stopping would really help, though.)

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[warning: long post]

so i was told the other day i'm admired for my "wise humor." which came as a shock, because as jon stewart says, you have to be smart to be a smartass.

this, of course, came at a time where i'm brooding over my own stupidity. so i'm somewhat bright, and at times even motivated. but my biggest obstacle is that i despair over my own apathy, the stubbornness that's plagued me ever since i figured out in middle school that i didn't need to work hard to pull decent grades.

i dream big dreams. i'm just mired in my own relative comfort, and, as a result, the dreams die crushed under their own weight. my biggest fear is that it will take true tragedy (not simple misfortune) to finally get me going...

so i'll focus on summer:
1) school i guess
2) a real (to my obstinate mind) job
3) learning to play my acoustic guitar
4) el licenso (and jackass, my newly christened honda)
5) organizing my photos - i have literally gigabytes and gigabytes. so, getting this site together is a priority, i pay for the damn thing anyway.
6) curbing my wants. and many of my habits (ie, comfort purchases). thereby bringing myself more in touch with reality - right now i simply float along.
7) figuring out what language to take for letters & science
8) selling some of my junk
9) other things i've regrettably forgotten, but revolve around independence. in this world, anyway.

--- all before 18 leaves me in august

along with simon & garfunkel and, ever more importantly, my family, in the middle to cushion the blow.

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we play a game sometimes - okay, so it's not a game, but it sounds good to start a sentence that way - where, in feeble attempts to guide ourselves along, elaborate in great length and steam about our life's philosophies in the absence of hope, all the while recognizing we simply want something to hold on to. some little kernel of wisdom we seek desperately from those we unconditionally respect, and in many ways love.

i've mulled over the appeal in this for some time in myself and find that it's only that, although i don't believe i can ever speak these words, only bang on these keys, i truly wish i can be needed the way i (kicking and screaming) really seem to need these people.

anyway, thanks lauri. thanks for letting me be downright silly, and thanks for not laughing when my attempts to express myself become very, very convoluted indeed.

you're a wise one too.


"music is my savior, and
i was maimed by rock 'n roll
i was tamed by rock and roll
i got my name from rock and roll" - thank you wilco / jeff tweedy

a sea black with ink