It's an even day, and so I blog a little.

Planning for the future is a losing battle... I've just about decided a major, or two, and then I realize that means I've narrowed down my career field as well, and that is more up for grabs than anything. And, as science dictates, the more I know and undersand about myself and the world, the less I know. So thinking about this makes me a defeatist. :)

I already live my life from event to event, week to week - I don't really have a grasp on time at all, let alone to manage it. Sometimes I wonder, idly, exactly how much I jeopardize my future this way... then I remember how abstract a concept the future is for me. This is playing with fire and I know I'm burning bridges as I go. I'm just not quite sure what to do about it.

I know that it's not often that we get to participate in the direction our lives will take, and we get set in our ways as we get older. Problem is, I'm not fully content with how I am now (the feeling gets more and more mercurial for me; I wonder if I degrade the meaning each day to fit the goings-on), not all the time, and it doesn't look like it'll change the way I've been hoping by just sitting on it. And yet I still take pleasure in small things, I have more fun at life than anyone I know right now, I just don't know what the cost is.

I've definitely becoming more conscious to the image I project to the world... I never really did before, and I'm not sure if this is a step of progress or regress. But I assume, as with most things in life, there's so much grey area shadowing it that it's so hard to say. I will still mold humor out of mild tragedy and wonder where I myself have drawn the line, and why I've taken it upon myself to do so. Question everything is what I've decided, but it only leaves me with unanswered questions.

holding on...