https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/comments/eiw4r8/comment/fcur8nd/

Keylime-lacroix • 6y ago • Edited 6y ago Just mentioning things to her is not the same as opening a conversation about something. Not with an autistic person. When you say something without a question, or something to respond to, that’s just a statement. ‘You’re super hard to read’ ‘Yeah I get that a lot’ Vs (for example, I’m paraphrasing a conversation my NT partner had with autistic me about 3 weeks in) ‘You’re difficult to read, but I’d really like to know how you’re feeling and doing more. Should I ask how you are more often or are there ways you can communicate to me that I should be looking for?’ ‘oh! Yeah. You can for sure ask more I didn’t know you wanted to know. I’ll try to remember to tell you more. Uh... it’s easier to eat more foods when I feel good? So like, if I’m eating just one food all day I’m probably not doing great.’ Text can be way easier to communicate over because there’s no pressure to respond immediately and end up saying something that isn’t what was meant. A heads up that you want to talk about a specific subject is a good idea, so she can think on it before hand. Communicate your needs and wants clearly. Literally that’s it. ‘Hey, I want you to kiss me first sometimes, that would make me happy.’ ‘Hey do you like me? Do you enjoy spending time with me? Do you love me? I want to know how you feel about me.’ ‘When we have sex, I would enjoy more build up and foreplay, is there a way to do that without making anything overwhelming for you?’ ‘I really want to hold your hand and cuddle you more.’ ‘Is the bed comfortable for you? Do you need anything different to get good sleep?’ Ask direct questions. Be clear about what your expectations are for a relationship. Ask what hers are. Do not try to hint at things, or assume she knows what you mean when you’re not 100% clear. Likewise do not look for hints, they will not be there, and the ones you think you see are not real. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Be interested in her interests, be patient, be kind, and do not hold her accountable for the needs and wants you have not communicated. Here’s the thing - THIS IS HARD - unless you’ve been raised totally different to me and my partners, being honest about what you need and want feels selfish and wrong! Because it feels like asking or even demanding. But the thing is that no one HAS to give you these needs or fulfill those wants, but that doesn’t mean you should take away their opportunities to help you.

DisMaTA • 6y ago As an autistic woman myself your well written and elaborate text made me smirk. "Yes, that is the description of an autistic woman." We don't express. It makes us look like robots. We do feel. We feel so much it hurts. We wouldn't function at all if we went on emotions. At the same time most of the time we have no clue what we feel. It's just intense and confusing. So many of us ignore those and go by logic. (Like Vulcans) Never judge or belittle her. I know, you don't plan to. Just keep in mind our perceptions are different from yours. When she tells you she can't wear brand xyz toos because the clothes tags cut her you better believe it feels like she has sharp knives hanging inside her top, cutting into her neck/back at every movement. "Why do you never wear nice clothes?" feels like "Why don't you ever wear concrete pants lined with sandpaper?" Many of us just never talk about it anymore. But if you are close enough to her she might. Don't fuck up that trust. Ask her lots. Initiate lots of things. You know that feeling when you're hungry but you have no clue what you'd like to eat? So many things in our life are like this. Communication is tricky but so necessary. Be blunt. Say directly what you need to say. Don't do smalltalk to lead up to something. Don't circumscribe things, name them. Tell her you want/need foreplay for example. If she's puzzled by this maybe go for a technical comparison. The computer has to boot up and needs several little programs to do so before you can play the game on it. Or something else if she isn't that kind of nerd. And if texting is the way things flow, go for it. Feels weird at first, but guess what, her whole world is weird to her, so come that step along.