http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/08/ask-polly-am-i-too-uptight.html

But there’s also kind of a hangover to being aggressive and outspoken. Hell, there can be a hangover to just being who you are and doing what you do, even when it’s totally innocuous and harmless, if it’s not in step with what other people are doing. Sometimes there’s a voice in your head that says, “Don’t you have enough already? Why do you have to wave your freak flag or flaunt your sharp blades, just because you have them and lots of other people don’t? Why can’t you be more gentle and generous? Why do you have to sing your full-throated battle cry when you could just say your piece calmly and then ride off into the sunset with quiet dignity?”

And I have to tell you this: The people I know who’ve made their lives smaller and cleaner and more controlled and more predictable — myself included! — have not always benefited from that. Maybe in some cases I have no idea how much more fucked they’d be if they exerted less control over every single dimension of their lives. But a close relative of mine is going through a health crisis and I’m really seeing the perils of complete, unflagging control close-up right now. I’m seeing how the smallest curveball sets his head spinning. He never defined himself as anxious, and now he’s trying to think his way to a solution and it’s only making things worse, because for the first time in his life, nothing is certain. His complete inability to be led, to let go, to trust other people, to listen to a new plan, is adding panic attacks to an already trying situation. I’m not saying I’d handle any of it any better than he does, mind you. But it’s clear that he doesn’t believe he is worthy unless he is in complete control, and that belief is hurting him right now. So the people around him, because we love him, are now forced to confront him (gently!) and urge him to try some things he never in a million years wanted to try before. I mean, this is a guy who thinks using valet parking is PURE MADNESS BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DRIVING YOUR CAR WHAT HOW THAT’S NUTS. You can structure your world however you like. But I would urge you to interrogate the things you do to keep the world OUT. I would urge you to watch when your aggression acts as a salve, a way of grabbing the fucking tiller instead of enjoying the ride. I would urge you to watch when you toggle between total control and wanting to be led by some parental figure like a tiny, helpless baby. I would urge you to envision yourself fucking up all of the things you have always been afraid of fucking up. Picture yourself becoming the so-called worst version of you: You are overweight. You are not successful. You are poor. You are alone. I would encourage you to imagine that chubby lonely poor woman as the most wonderful, loving, magical soul there is. She has a brilliant, worthy heart, and she knows how to breathe in each new day. Maybe she’s even happier than you are now. Challenge some of your assumptions about what happiness is made of, what it looks like, what it sounds like. Don’t live in a sterile bubble where everything is calibrated to keep you safe and perfect. Don’t set out on a hunt for stupid, determined to bring stupid to its fucking knees. Above all, don’t become stupid’s jittery, jumpy beast of burden just because it’s better than living in your own head. Follow your feelings to a new land. You are loved and lovable and you are still evolving. You can make a choice and change your mind and make a different choice. Don’t push yourself to evolve and grow just to please some watchful judge who calls you “good” or “bad” and expects you to be the same person day after day without fail. You will be many different people along the way. Push yourself to evolve because it feels right. Feel your way to what works for you. Notice when you feel calm and confident. Notice when you’re trying too hard to win back approval that’s already been rescinded. Clean and sharpen your blades just in case, but respect how sharp they are. Don’t bring a scalpel to a picnic. Play along when that’s more relaxing. Shut the fuck up when that’s more relaxing. Remember to enjoy yourself. Learn how to do that. Learn how to serve yourself while also being generous to others. Remember that you have nothing to prove. Remember that silence speaks volumes, and sometimes watching stupid walk away can be the most satisfying feeling of all.