http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/08/ask-polly-why-cant-i-get-over-my-awful-ex.html

And you know what our culture and our friends and our family hate a lot? They hate it when we sound stuck. They want to skip over the “I feel” part and go straight to the JUST SHUT UP ABOUT IT AND MOVE ON part. And honestly, even then, some stubborn part of me still wants to own the emotion, wants to drag it out and make everyone look at it, before I can put it away for good. That’s why I do this for a living. I do this because I want to make it totally fucking OK for a legion of former so-called psycho chicks and so-called oversensitive, pussy-ass men to drag their shit out on the lawn and say DUDE, THIS IS REAL AND IT DOESN’T MEAN I’M CRAZY. JUST LOOK WITH ME AT IT AND LET ME FEEL IT, WITH YOU. So stop being ashamed of what you feel. Say to yourself and anyone else who’ll listen: “This feeling is real. I am mourning something real. You can see him as an asshole, and I don’t blame you for that. But this is still a big part of my life that died, and it hurts. I still want something that is bad for me, in spite of my best intentions.” And yes, after you state the full truth and out yourself as someone with a giant, sensitive heart, you should try to expunge him from your daily thoughts and your imprecise narrative, and stop using him as a means of confronting your emotional challenges. But don’t do that without recognizing that your compassion for him reflects well on you. You’re a very generous person, so you’re drawn to people who need you, openly, and don’t mind saying it. But you also prefer that these needy types cover up that need by ignoring you and treating you badly most of the time. It’s time to love someone who sees you clearly without looking away. It’s time to make room for someone who isn’t promising you an escape from real life. Stop looking outside of yourself for a verdict on whether you’re good or worthless. That obsession mirrors the mechanics of your relationship with a narcissist, and it’s a fix that’s essentially designed to hide your true, fragile self from the world. Instead, be where you are, a broken, sad human being in the broken present. This is what the narcissist never learns to do. Forgive your ghost, and let him go haunt someone else. It’s not that fun being a ghost. Forgive him. Cry some tears for him, but let him go once and for all. And from now on, remember that real love doesn’t feel like a fantasy. Real love feels like real life, but a real life that you can finally experience with all of your senses. Real love is a divine series of clumsy maneuvers, unnerving mistakes, flashes of joy and lust and self-doubt and fear and anger and also peace. When you’re in love and you’re seen clearly by another person whose only intention is to love you, here, in the flawed, real world. This person is not some fantasy “soul mate” with magical qualities that radiate around him and make you nervous forever and ever. And there is not only one person alive who can fulfill this place in your life. Ordinary, lovable people who can see you clearly and who understand that flaws are human and not a deal breaker are everywhere, once you start to see yourself and your own flaws the same way. And when you are finally embraced by someone who accepts your good and your bad with patience and grace, it feels strange and amazing and frightening. It is not an escape. It is not always “romantic” in the “music swelling, cameras circling” sense. You don’t get to be the gorgeous heroine. You get to be a human being, with needs, with problems, with emotions. That is enough.