https://theheatherhogan.substack.com/p/a-roadmap-for-a-queer-happily-ever

I've written so much about the idea of "queer time" over the course of my life. About how it moves differently than regular time, than heterosexual time; about how we’re on our own schedule; about how we exist outside the rigidity of the patriarchal space-time continuum. Despite what we've been told, over and over, there’s actually not a cosmic clock counting down the minutes we have to meet someone and fall in love and build a life together. The hours aren’t melting away for us to choose our careers, or uncover our desires, or chase our dreams. There's no finish line; we never really arrive. We grow up, we get better, we fall down, we learn, we grow up even more. Being a grown-up, for real, is choosing to do the hard work. Not once, but perpetually. It’s unpacking the way our experiences inform our behavior and how that behavior rubs up against the people we love in good and bad ways. It’s figuring out when and how to put other people's needs and desires before our own, and figuring out how to accept the grace of other people doing it for us too. It’s not getting what we want sometimes. It’s not getting what we need sometimes. It’s making ourselves trustworthy and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable enough to trust in return. It’s respecting the people in our lives enough to constantly take extra care with our words and our actions. It’s tough but gentle honesty, especially with ourselves. It’s especially apologies and it’s especially forgiveness. There is absolutely no way human beings with their own insecurities and longings and pain and hopes and fears and ambitions and trauma can join our lives together — in any way — without an enormous amount of friction. And there’s no way to ease that friction without a constant commitment to keep showing up, to keep working.