A spiritual audit, shaking some sense into me. Check it.


Two elements that speak to me now:

11. Is obedience in small matters built into my reflexes?
Do I try to bargain with God or rationalize with him? Obedience largely determines my relation with Christ following new birth. He says I am his friend if I obey him. Therefore I must check my obedience. My good intentions count for little.

I can obey God out of fear or from love. Both he and I prefer love.

I am humbled over and over because I lack the discipline, the will to be obedient. I may say with my mouth that I believe, that I agree with the strength of his will above and against mine, but it is empty, it is DEAD faith if it does not live in me. This is a painful process, because loving and trusting myself is naturalized in me, and I prefer it that way because I have known it 19 years. To add Eric Ingram's talk, I believe my own understanding and strength to be a boat that will hold me, if the ocean is life... but I cannot see that the boat is sinking, is destined to be mired in the bottom of the sea. The ocean is life. I must be in it, looking up for every next move. I must be in it (a permanent condition) to experience abundant life. I must be broken and refilled with God's righteousness and his passion for his people.

I haven't wanted to, ever. But surely my heart is turning a corner.

12. Do I have joy?
Joy is promised to me. Do I have it? If the relationship with Christ is right, I do.

To me, joy is perfected in the full belief in the total sovereignty of God. Doubt dilutes joy... God doesn't need me, he loves me; and I don't work for him to earn his love, I work for him as a result of his love. He lets me work in order to mature me. That brings joy.

Does my joy extend into my suffering? My suffering is my maturation. Even my dry periods produce perseverance, which is pleasing to God. Therefore, I can be joyful in the adequacy of God.

So this knowledge of rightness is meant to manifest in joy. And it's not for lack of light being shined into me, it's the way I put up black light to shield myself from it, because I don't like my insecurities being exposed. I don't know how to live in the light.

Sometimes I feel like I am too singleminded to be one that can give and receive love. Like I am a boat with so many holes, but I can only bail a few at a time: struggles with worth, forgiveness, loving others, impatience, stubbornness, ability, integrity, substance. And on top of the limits of humanity are the limits I impose on myself, and all these knots have to be (and are) lovingly untangled again and again by God - without fail. I fail over and over. I am insufficient. But the struggle comes for I love my knots because they are mine, because they give me autonomy even if it means binding myself to the standard of mediocrity, of breaking even, that I love. And there is the bulk of my present trouble: pride.

Finally, it all goes back to my heart behind it, the motive spoken of in this audit. If I have not love, I have no desire to serve anyone but myself. Works are the natural response to the overflowing of love. They follow the outpouring - they do not lead to the wellspring.

The desires of the heart are so powerful that they infiltrate the thought patterns, the dialogue that we engage in, the rationale that we live by. The direction of the heart guiding the mind is a godly one; the opposite, rather dangerous...


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"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:8-9


happy pi day.