I'm getting darker. But in a bad way, I think. Cause I'm also a little red... and my arm hairs stand out. What does that mean...?
Lots to think about lately. I'm rolling so many things around in my head that it's a perfect chance to keep my writing sharp - but theres still so much so I'll post in segments. But something I wanna record right away:
Last night in bible study I lacked a lot of words. Plus there were people setting up something in the lounge... it's kind of nervewracking because last year they kicked us out a couple times and I hate that sort of confrontation. Well, a lot of kinds of confrontation. yeah... so i was sitting there, already starting to falter because it wasn't going as I'd expected, and I was like, sigh more distractions, this isn't helping God... and then rhea came to my rescue, and we were talking and suddenly:
"In the secret, in the quiet place"
the jaw DEFINITELY dropped. haha. im surprised it didn't go unhinged. (it should have. another thing to praise him for. haha)
ah God. I can't stop smiling again. you always know exactly what to say, and you are so loving that you give your grace at exactly the moment we need it most. and you prove that you are everywhere, with everyone.
i really needed the reminder. "in the stillness, you are there." i just need to listen. theres so much traffic going through my head i forget who controls all the flow and who allows chaos that i might come to discern whats most important. why? to know him better, to focus exactly on his heart for these girls and the place he's readied for me. and i have no need for shame. shame would be appropriate only if this message wasn't necessary, if it was myself blowing smoke about me. for what have i, really, to boast about? i know i'm clumsy, i know i'm erratic. on my own i fall on my face. i am nothing. james 4:14 says my life is like a mist: here now, but soon to leave. and during this short time it's so hard to fix my eyes on what is unseen - it's yet another paradox that God operates by because his realm is so much different than the one i stumble around in here. but to see what is unseen means to use a different mode of sight than what i'm used to. it's a prayerful heart plus a purposeful intent.
so let me not compromise with you, or say any longer "here, lets try it my way" knowing it will collapse like so many sandcastles under a rolling wave. let me not operate from the mindset that i know anything at all anymore. if i am to live on this earth as in your holy kingdom, God, and you are up there watching and directing me here, i really do have to trust you.
to read: Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
John Irving, A Prayer For Owen Meany
Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential
to hear: Glen Phillips, Winter Pays For Summer
Tim Easton, The Truth About Us
Lots to think about lately. I'm rolling so many things around in my head that it's a perfect chance to keep my writing sharp - but theres still so much so I'll post in segments. But something I wanna record right away:
Last night in bible study I lacked a lot of words. Plus there were people setting up something in the lounge... it's kind of nervewracking because last year they kicked us out a couple times and I hate that sort of confrontation. Well, a lot of kinds of confrontation. yeah... so i was sitting there, already starting to falter because it wasn't going as I'd expected, and I was like, sigh more distractions, this isn't helping God... and then rhea came to my rescue, and we were talking and suddenly:
"In the secret, in the quiet place"
the jaw DEFINITELY dropped. haha. im surprised it didn't go unhinged. (it should have. another thing to praise him for. haha)
in the stillness you are there
in the secret, in the quiet hour I wait
only for You
cause i want to know You more
i am reaching, for the highest goal
that I might receive the prize
pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside
out of my way
cause i want to know You more
ah God. I can't stop smiling again. you always know exactly what to say, and you are so loving that you give your grace at exactly the moment we need it most. and you prove that you are everywhere, with everyone.
i really needed the reminder. "in the stillness, you are there." i just need to listen. theres so much traffic going through my head i forget who controls all the flow and who allows chaos that i might come to discern whats most important. why? to know him better, to focus exactly on his heart for these girls and the place he's readied for me. and i have no need for shame. shame would be appropriate only if this message wasn't necessary, if it was myself blowing smoke about me. for what have i, really, to boast about? i know i'm clumsy, i know i'm erratic. on my own i fall on my face. i am nothing. james 4:14 says my life is like a mist: here now, but soon to leave. and during this short time it's so hard to fix my eyes on what is unseen - it's yet another paradox that God operates by because his realm is so much different than the one i stumble around in here. but to see what is unseen means to use a different mode of sight than what i'm used to. it's a prayerful heart plus a purposeful intent.
so let me not compromise with you, or say any longer "here, lets try it my way" knowing it will collapse like so many sandcastles under a rolling wave. let me not operate from the mindset that i know anything at all anymore. if i am to live on this earth as in your holy kingdom, God, and you are up there watching and directing me here, i really do have to trust you.
to read: Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel
John Irving, A Prayer For Owen Meany
Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential
to hear: Glen Phillips, Winter Pays For Summer
Tim Easton, The Truth About Us
posted by steph at
8:25:00 PM
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