http://nymag.com/thecut/2016/05/ask-polly-am-i-too-selfish.html

Here’s the thing: Never ask a mob to hold court on your value. That’s what we do, people like you and me. We put ourselves in that position over and over again. We ask strangers to hold court, to judge us. We ask friends to tell us the truth about what’s wrong with us. “Am I bad? Did I fuck up?” We put the question to the universe, because the people we really want to answer our question always have the same answer — YES, THIS MEANS YOU ARE BAD! — and that answer feels wrong to us, no matter how many times we hear it. You’re not a bad person. You’re a kind, ethical person who is confused and upset and tired of being chained and drowned in a shark tank. You need help to get out of this trap. You need a great therapist and good friends who want to talk things out. You probably don’t have any really good friends yet, because you’ve always been afraid to tell people what you need, because you were told that your needs are unacceptable from your first day on earth. You probably don’t know much about being in love, either, because you don’t know how to show your feelings without feeling ashamed and embarrassed by them, because you were told from day one that feelings are shameful and you have no right to feelings anyway. You have been fighting so hard for your right to have feelings, for so many years! I’ll bet you’re exhausted. Listen to me: You don’t have to fight anymore. It’s time to lay your weapons on the ground. You can surrender. You can lie down and say “I am weak. I need love. I need understanding.” The crazy fucking thing is that when you surrender, when you lie down on the ground and refuse to fight, love appears. You can’t half-surrender, though. You can’t say, through gritted teeth, “I need love, Goddamn it!” You have to let go completely. The bravest thing that any human has ever said is this: “I am fragile. I am afraid. I feel sad. I feel broken. I feel ashamed of how broken I am.” Strangely enough, this is how you grow into a towering, formidable force in the world. This is where you begin. You are not bad, and you are not a pushover. You will learn to treat yourself with the care that someone as precious and gentle and good-hearted and sensitive as you deserves. You will learn to protect yourself by faking it with the people who can never tolerate how formidable you are. You will learn to be vulnerable and authentic with the people who know how incredibly courageous that is. You are impossibly strong and impossibly broken. Show up and bite your tongue, or show up and sing, loud and strong and clear. You are powerful, and you get to choose. You don’t have to talk when you don’t feel like explaining yourself. You don’t have to ask permission. You don’t have to debate with anyone. You can simply make the call all by yourself, by trusting your heart. Never apologize for how you feel again. You own those feelings. They are precious. You have waited so patiently and fought so hard for those feelings to finally belong to you. Never let anyone tell you how to feel again.