(worthy, you are worthy)

good pup.

It's an even day, and so I blog a little.

Planning for the future is a losing battle... I've just about decided a major, or two, and then I realize that means I've narrowed down my career field as well, and that is more up for grabs than anything. And, as science dictates, the more I know and undersand about myself and the world, the less I know. So thinking about this makes me a defeatist. :)

I already live my life from event to event, week to week - I don't really have a grasp on time at all, let alone to manage it. Sometimes I wonder, idly, exactly how much I jeopardize my future this way... then I remember how abstract a concept the future is for me. This is playing with fire and I know I'm burning bridges as I go. I'm just not quite sure what to do about it.

I know that it's not often that we get to participate in the direction our lives will take, and we get set in our ways as we get older. Problem is, I'm not fully content with how I am now (the feeling gets more and more mercurial for me; I wonder if I degrade the meaning each day to fit the goings-on), not all the time, and it doesn't look like it'll change the way I've been hoping by just sitting on it. And yet I still take pleasure in small things, I have more fun at life than anyone I know right now, I just don't know what the cost is.

I've definitely becoming more conscious to the image I project to the world... I never really did before, and I'm not sure if this is a step of progress or regress. But I assume, as with most things in life, there's so much grey area shadowing it that it's so hard to say. I will still mold humor out of mild tragedy and wonder where I myself have drawn the line, and why I've taken it upon myself to do so. Question everything is what I've decided, but it only leaves me with unanswered questions.

holding on...

Do Not Worry
Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?*

"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

[ * or, for shorter folks: 6:27 Or a single cubit to his height. ;) ]

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Thanks to may for bringing this up. I found this in bible study today (thank you lauri, okay she actually found it) and it strikes me as apt, especially before finals and the like. Contrary to popular belief, I do study. Perhaps not enough, but it IS accomplished, I do absorb as much as I can in a single reading, and it is quality and I can ramble on about it for quite a few paragraphs.

But this is missing the point. The point is that the ultimate result is not in our hands. Not only can we never know exactly what our professor is thinking, we cannot even begin to fathom what our God is thinking - that is, until we humble ourselves before him and simply ask. And we snatch the decision making out of our own hands by worrying... not only does it keep us from progressing, of sketching out and executing a logical plan of action, it actually puts us on the side of regression: in our helplessness, we flail about, allowing worry to consume the whole of our minds and the force out of our spirits. That is, life should not be lived without care, but worry is the most selfish act we can perform - it is care without substance and out of control. Care for our selves AT THIS VERY MOMENT (often yelled the same way just performed there) is just us chasing our tails, running in circles looking for a straight line cure.

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? demands Matthew, and we must all fall silent. We can never worry in the name of bettering ourselves. We can only worry by way of feeding our hungry ids.