As usual, Derek Webb puts it better than I can. Read that. Namely,

one has to be willing to give up their life of selfish intentions and plans and comforts, in order that they might fully live out the abundant life that God has planned for them. i've definitely found that when i first seek God's guidance and allow him control of the intimate details of my life, it is then that His desires for me become my desires, and that His will begins to unravel in my life. ... i guess that i was, and am still apprehensive about giving up all of the stability in my life in order to follow God's will. but on the other hand, what is more stable than the Rock of the ages?

emphasis mine...

luckily God's love isn't contingent upon my performance. i could be selfish and make nothing of my life, compared to what it could be that is, and God would love me just the same. He loves me because He created me, not because of what i do, or because i am moral, or for any other reason. on the other hand, God has amazing plans for each of us, and a grander scheme in which everything works in tandem to ultimately glorify Him. when i try and control my life, i totally screw it up. why would i not want the freedom of surrender, in return for the guidance of the God of the universe?

the last rhetorical questions of each paragraph i shall keep asking myself, especially this week...

hmm, dependence. i've only recently discovered it has to do with what my actions speak, and begins where my first impulse lies. the moment i process that there is a decision to be made, dependence begins by catching myself when i say, "oh, i can handle this by myself. you don't have to worry father, this is MY territory." dependence is not paralysis, it is not weakness. it is entrusting my life into the hands of someone who knows my every capacity, acknowledges that i have been uniquely gifted, and yet surpasses what i can do in such a way as to totally embarrass my little efforts. putting me in my place, serving to remind me that i am small, saying gently, "listen to me, revere me, as it is written in proverbs 9,

9 Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still;
teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.

10 "The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,
and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

11 For through me your days will be many,
and years will be added to your life. "


so dependence recognizes that God is sovereign, puts me in my rightful place. for God would go on being and go on reigning even if i didn't give him praise. he would still thrive. the part i have had to suffer so many, many times is that i wouldn't.

it's also humility, it's also recognizing that no matter how long i serve, or simply live my life according to his teachings, that there are parts of my heart that still have not heard the gospel. i know my recurring struggles of my short-term memory, that the lessons i absorb do not always stay, that i forget so easily the gift of his son, or the power of his love to heal, to absolve, to overcome. over and over, i am so very guilty of settling for less than his perfect, abiding, abounding love. i know how easily satisfied i am. i know how i'll clutch onto everything that shines, these traps of fleeting pleasure. i know how i live for the here and now, that my initial actions are driven to protect my petty sense of security. i know how the gospel and its implications are not always real to me.

there needs to be a turning point. there needs to be a commitment. "i have decided to follow jesus. no turning back, no turning back..."

---

oh my love will fly to you each night on angels' wings
godspeed
sweet dreams

take all you have learned this year and plunge into DOING it...

if you have to wait until you are totally ready, it is no longer a step of faith.

---

list three:

interesting things in my room: calvin & hobbes "stupendous man" watercolor pencil drawing from my sister. sony mdr-v600 studio headphones. boomerang. humongous stuffed tiger. oops, that's four.

songs on current playlist: matt redman - "let my words be few," john hampson - "worse than it seems," (from ninedaysmusic.com), wilco - "i am trying to break your heart."

idiosyncrasies: i like colored see through things, like folders, cd cases, bottles. they remind me of sea glass. and the alias season 3 case. i like left handed things. okay, and people. i try to never go without some form of lemonade within a hundred yard radius.

things that make me feel nauseous: the smell of eggs in the morning (that is, just after waking up). witnessing someone being kicked while they're down; you can take that figuratively as well. actually, it's much worse figuratively... so please do. people - okay let's be truthful and shift the bias to girls, and especially in bright colored polo shirts - glued to their cell phones on a sunny day.

annoying characteristics in people: a need for constant, so-repetitive-to-the-point-of-meaningless affirmation. condescension is EXTREMELY unattractive. people who aren't really listening when you're talking. i guess that's sort of like the second one, oh well. lets add people who ask for advice, agree, but don't seem to apply it until another person says the exact same thing. sigh. save yourself trouble, yeah?

prized possessions: at the current moment, cds. journal. silver sharpies.

people who have impacted my life: lots. and the beautiful thing is that so many of them are davisites.

famous people i admire: mm, i don't know. it'd have to be the characters they play that i admire more, right?

unforgettable moments: every moment spent at a beach. little ones when i glimpse the love of the father. coasting on my bike around davis... in short, the times i feel closest to God, to seeing how generous he is with his gifts, his blessings, and his unfailing love. *blushes* make me small, Lord. make me small.

things i would do if i could spend cash carelessly: lots! maybe i'll add more later. but one of the first things that come to mind is cleaning out my cd wish list.

... actually, i probably already spend carelessly. :
things i want to accomplish before i die: honor you. scale the distance from my head to my heart.

things i want to accomplish soon: buy more ramune. connect with those i did fall quarter. articulate ideas better, and not just with this screen in front of me. keep on seeing people as Jesus would, and as he sees me. accountability group. keep biking to school and back every other day. find a new way to praise every day. pray without ceasing. fear without being paralyzed.

wishful thinkings: i'd say the last answer covered it. ... just kidding.

things im thankful for: my friends. who i constantly let down. but pursue me anyway.

fun things i would like to do: i love fun things! send me some to do.

random facts: 1996 san mateo - foster city school distract spelling bee champion.

things that make me really sad: i do not love without condition. see also things that make me nauseous.

things that make me nervous: it'll get easier with practice. grace and truth.

things that piss me off: mm. there are a lot. i'll list as i remember.

things that make me happy: stupid little surveys. that IS the right answer, isn't it? :D


goodnight world.

hmm. it went from dry and hot to windy and freezing in about three hours today. kinda scary.

i have been keeping names straight lately. huzzah. been meeting a lot of people and then having them pop back into my life at seemingly random times. i'm still trying to sort it out.

day 2 of eliminating sarcasm from my diet: oh, the withdrawal pangs.

okay, off to look for the rest of my energy.

sound byte: "Repentance is not something that can be done sitting down." It demands from us an active, living and real response, to turn from our habits and pursue a character closer to the heart of God instead...

sometimes, my favorite word is "okay!" and that gets me into trouble. (to help define it, let's use it in a sentence: "hey steph, wanna go to chevys?" "okay!" *drops ten-page paper due the next day*... to verbify it, i'll borrow from my housemate maria: "chasing fun". as in, "steph, are you chasing fun AGAIN?!" "eeep...")

it means the absence of "no." that means i dont set boundaries. that means i can't be a good steward of my time. it's such a lie that if you're not doing anything you are wasting your time. stretch. breathe. listen. savor. they are relatively motionless activities, but this does not mean the absence of meaningful experience. it is a hurry sickness we buy into, this idea of having to be up and about to be productive. it is one sign of our succumbing to a heavily visual culture - to have to have something tangible accomplished before we call it a done day, before we can even think of terming ourselves successful in anything. it takes away from the work of the heart, which we cannot see, which is the standard by which God weighs our character.

it traces back to where we find our worth. what is this idea of frantically "making" the "best" of our time? being able to 'make' it implies that it is a creation of our own, that we have control over it. ha! the plans we forge, the agendas we shape, all must be guided to work. Proverbs 16:9: "A man's heart deviseth his way: but the LORD directeth his steps;" Jeremiah 10:23: "I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps," both attributing to the will of God having the final say. All our plans will never work if it is not to his satisfaction.

mm. which brings me to dependency and independence. next time. im sleepy.




... steph is up to something. heheheheehe. ahh the frustration of keeping a secret.

When I am talking to somebody there are always two conversations going on. The first is on the surface; it is about politics or music or whatever it is our mouths are saying. The other is beneath the surface, on the level of the heart, and my heart is either communicating that I like the person I am talking to or I don't. God wants both conversations to be true. That is, we are supposed to speak the truth in love. If both conversations are not true, God is not involved in the exchange, we are on our own, and on our own, we will lead people astray. The Bible says that if you talk to somebody with your mouth, and your heart does not love them, that you are like a person standing there smashing two cymbals together. You are only annoying everybody around you. I think that is very beautiful and true.

Now, when I go to meet somebody, I pray that God will help me feel His love for them. I ask God to make it so both conversations, the one from the mouth and the one from the heart, are true.         -- Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

And that's it. That's the truth that shames my struggle.

Help me remember this feeling, Father. Let it be so I am constantly reminded of your continued work through me, the most unlikely of all your servants.

Praise you for my water girls (!! - I guess I have to go to class now... tee hee), and for all the beauty revealed tonight. (My cheeks hurt.) I want to fit my arms around the world, too, Daddy. Just like you.