and so it begins.


i have one definite class. help, please...


ps. I GOT A BOOMERANG! YAYAYAYAAA!! It's this one:

except neon orangeee... wheeee

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.


{psalm 16:5}

here's the honest truth:

laugh and live longer. love and live greater. forgive and live fuller.

i was thinking about despair today. despair is when you fall on the ground because your legs can no longer support yourself. it's when you acknowledge that your own strength is worth nothing. when we cry out, "God this isn't FAIR!" we have already lost. when were we promised that life would be easy? no, we were told that we would be persecuted (Matt 5:10-11 - Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven; blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me) for what endures in our lives. it is written that it is a race that must be run in such a way as to honor, finished strong.

what we were promised was a life to honor God as much or as less as we see fit. we were promised that we would have trials whether we liked it or not, but that we would be readied according to his timing (ie NOT OURS). we were promised also the fruit of this, to multiply and be blessed. we were promised that his strength was perfected in our weakness (2 cor 12:9). we were promised eternal life.

we were promised that we would not suffer alone. we were promised that did not have a saviour who could not sympathize (Hebrews 6:14-16: For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sypathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin).

so today i lay down my worldly tools of dealing with struggle. today i allow myself to feel despair, to feel pain, to feel anger, and to acknowledge to myself that i am not as put together as i believe. that when i am secure i fall into self righteousness. that when i am self righteous i believe i can save myself. relevant magazine writes that "sin is not just in my actions, it's a condition. it is any and all the ways i try to be my own savior." and when i believe i can save myself, i inevitably fall, and then i despair.

but there is meaning to all this. it is concentrated on one center, the fulcrum of my life on which all things hinge. the article continues: "indeed, we were made for more than struggle. in fact, we were made for glory... but even now, God gives purpose to our struggle, and He is in charge of all that happens to us. I don't have the power [for] much resolution in my life, but I do have Jesus. And He is enough." amen.

if we are in the desert...

DANG look all those cactusesses!!

=====

i am blown away by the numbers that have been raised in epic this year, but i am stunned speechless by how much our faith has increased as a result of simply following your lead. it is not our job to understand the particulars, but to know that your command of the results is absolute. let us rise to any opportunity to glorify you.

i think that sums up the past few days. here's to a full spring quarter.


note to self: work hard play hard and you shall live through this week.

okay wow! it feels good to be 80% done with a paper ahead of time! like it's nine o'clock and i might even finish before my self-appointed midnight deadline. :) wow, maybe i should do this more often. :P

ok so this is a quick break just to share that this song makes me cry every time:

Redeemer, Savior, Friend
(Darrell Evans / Chris Springer )

I know You had me on Your mind
When You climbed up on that hill
For You saw me with eternal eyes
While I was yet in sin
Redeemer, Savior, Friend

Every stripe upon Your battered back
Every thorn that pierced Your brow
Every nail drove deep through guiltless hands
Said that Your love knows no end
Redeemer, Savior, Friend

Redeemer, redeem my heart again
Savior, come and shelter me from sin
You're familiar with my weakness
Devoted to the end
Redeemer, Savior, Friend

So the grace You poured upon my life
Will return to You in praise
And I'll gladly lay down all my crowns
For the name by which I'm saved
Redeemer, Savior, Friend


amazing huh? yeah, i'm not a crier, especially for myself (if that makes sense - like i'll berate myself about ten times more if i find myself tearing up over my own situation, as if it's weaker because i turn it into self-pity or something). but oh, i tear up for this. i am so obsessed with petty things, and i highlight them and make them problems in my life. and jesus knew he was dying for my petty things. and he did anyway.

as if i didn't have enough things to praise about... how awesome. :) my cup runneth over.

A spiritual audit, shaking some sense into me. Check it.


Two elements that speak to me now:

11. Is obedience in small matters built into my reflexes?
Do I try to bargain with God or rationalize with him? Obedience largely determines my relation with Christ following new birth. He says I am his friend if I obey him. Therefore I must check my obedience. My good intentions count for little.

I can obey God out of fear or from love. Both he and I prefer love.

I am humbled over and over because I lack the discipline, the will to be obedient. I may say with my mouth that I believe, that I agree with the strength of his will above and against mine, but it is empty, it is DEAD faith if it does not live in me. This is a painful process, because loving and trusting myself is naturalized in me, and I prefer it that way because I have known it 19 years. To add Eric Ingram's talk, I believe my own understanding and strength to be a boat that will hold me, if the ocean is life... but I cannot see that the boat is sinking, is destined to be mired in the bottom of the sea. The ocean is life. I must be in it, looking up for every next move. I must be in it (a permanent condition) to experience abundant life. I must be broken and refilled with God's righteousness and his passion for his people.

I haven't wanted to, ever. But surely my heart is turning a corner.

12. Do I have joy?
Joy is promised to me. Do I have it? If the relationship with Christ is right, I do.

To me, joy is perfected in the full belief in the total sovereignty of God. Doubt dilutes joy... God doesn't need me, he loves me; and I don't work for him to earn his love, I work for him as a result of his love. He lets me work in order to mature me. That brings joy.

Does my joy extend into my suffering? My suffering is my maturation. Even my dry periods produce perseverance, which is pleasing to God. Therefore, I can be joyful in the adequacy of God.

So this knowledge of rightness is meant to manifest in joy. And it's not for lack of light being shined into me, it's the way I put up black light to shield myself from it, because I don't like my insecurities being exposed. I don't know how to live in the light.

Sometimes I feel like I am too singleminded to be one that can give and receive love. Like I am a boat with so many holes, but I can only bail a few at a time: struggles with worth, forgiveness, loving others, impatience, stubbornness, ability, integrity, substance. And on top of the limits of humanity are the limits I impose on myself, and all these knots have to be (and are) lovingly untangled again and again by God - without fail. I fail over and over. I am insufficient. But the struggle comes for I love my knots because they are mine, because they give me autonomy even if it means binding myself to the standard of mediocrity, of breaking even, that I love. And there is the bulk of my present trouble: pride.

Finally, it all goes back to my heart behind it, the motive spoken of in this audit. If I have not love, I have no desire to serve anyone but myself. Works are the natural response to the overflowing of love. They follow the outpouring - they do not lead to the wellspring.

The desires of the heart are so powerful that they infiltrate the thought patterns, the dialogue that we engage in, the rationale that we live by. The direction of the heart guiding the mind is a godly one; the opposite, rather dangerous...


===== * =====
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Philippians 4:8-9


happy pi day.

{ here i am to worship }


on doubt, and personal integrity:

angela: doubt is something we all deal with really
angela: and we all need to remind ourselves to believe
angela: and we ask God for more faith
angela: but if God has placed it in your heart to say those things, then say it
me: yeah. more prayer
angela: even if you don't believe it at that time
me: okay
me: yeah. it makes me feel fake. :\ but that's my own problem i s'pose
angela: yeah. I feel that way sometimes too
angela: but remember that you should say what God wants you to say
angela: and then believe
me: okay
me: :-)


let me empty myself and not stand in your way...

TEN Random Things About Me
10. I hate hate hate when tomato seeds (the EXACT color and consistency of boogers) soak through the bun on sandwiches. In fact, I would much rather eat boogers. Just not on sandwiches.
9. I love the harmonica - a joyful noise and a mournful lament in the same breath.
8. I spent eleven years in Chinese school and learned nothing. Everything I know is from conversing with my parents and various aunts and uncles.
7. I wore my Nickel Creek shirt today to Safeway. A dude saw and said "hey, the band right?" and I smiled. "Good, I was just trying to make sure it wasn't, like, a tourist attraction or something." "Oh, no, it's definitely the band... although I think there's a creek called Nickel in Texas." "Haha, but who goes to Texas... right?" ... I was born in Texas. But I didn't want to be That Girl who ruins attempts at sociability.
6. Sometimes I like the smell of sweat. But only my own. Sometimes.
5. I giggle when I see clearance racks with signs that advertise pants (ie, "Pants, 75% off"), every time.
4. I would have no qualms being a one hit wonder in the music business. However, I only sound good to myself, because I have the wondrous ability to tune everything else out and hear only the existing melody and voice in my head, like if I heard it off the radio or something.
3. I played the saxophone for one year in middle school.
2. I have spent so much time showing you how much I am the same that I have failed to show how I am different. Trust me, this is the case with everyone.
1. I have a tremendous crush on Jim Carrey. I am made ashamed of this every time he talks out of his butt.

NINE Places I've Visited
9. Japan
8. London
7. Yosemite
6. New York City
5. Birmingham / Selma, AL
4. Switzerland
3. black sand beach, hi (wheeeee EPIC sp 2005)
2. BOSTON
1. Denali National Park, Alaska

EIGHT Things I want to do before I die
8. Understand what it is to give and receive perfect love.
7. Live one summer where I surf every day.
6. learn to play guitar - then record an album.
5. Compete in a sled dog race in or around Nome, AK.
4. maintain an ongoing letter ministry, thanking and encouraging those who have supported and encouraged me.
3. Eat sashimi from fish I catch myself.
2. be a mentor and a counselor to someone who eerily reminds myself of me.
1. answer only to the LORD, broken and humble before him.

SEVEN Ways to win my heart
7. make me laugh, even if i'm only remembering something you've said.
6. be open, and openly giving.
5. have music in your heart.
4. {stolen} appreciate and love your family.
3. keep my feet warm.
2. love your neighbor as yourself...
1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength (Mark 12:30), and all those things will follow.

SIX Things I believe
6. strength is relative to the righteous desire behind it.
5. loving extravagantly requires not expecting it to return to you.
4. "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle
3. there is no situation that cannot be improved with ice cream.
2. laughter draws the single quickest line between strangers.
1. "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:30-31

FIVE Things I'm afraid of
5. myself... my weariness, my insecurities, my neediness.
4. extremists; that is, the hard and unyielding to the point of unfeeling.
3. umbrellas. *shudder*
2. CLOWNS :X
1. blind faith. (i guess that goes along with #4?)

FOUR of my Favorite Items in my bedroom
4. cds + clock radio with cd player. heh.
3. journal. so pretty. =0)
2. roll of caution tape stolen from angela.
1. BED

THREE Things I do everyday
3. wonder, why me? and shake my head. (both in response to positive and negative things... why me in desperation when it rains, why me in awe and gratitude when it shines.)
2. laugh ! till it hurts ! tee hee.
1. contemplate the universe.

TWO Things I am trying not to do right now
2. be anxious about the future
1. view love, in total abandon, as a damnable sickness or weakness.

ONE Person I want to see right now
1. moll :D ( sounding off )

i hate making my bed. i mean, you're going to mess it up anyway, guaranteed, within like a 12-16 hour span.



but, i have to admit i put fresh sheets on yesterday and the bed has stayed neat and it looks... better than alright.

:P

take the time to start anew
maybe it's in front of you

take the time to be okay
laugh a bit along the way

it's good to be alive and
breathing air again

- robbie seay band, breathing air again